


The Nine Times Sirius Black Nearly Killed Remus Lupin

by Deadbattery30



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Marauders' Era, Second War with Voldemort, Slash, mild child abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-07-28 22:19:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7659016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deadbattery30/pseuds/Deadbattery30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black is the most confounding and deadly human being Remus Lupin has ever meet. Thinking back on their life together Remus can remember at least nine times that Sirius almost killed him. This is the story of Remus and Sirius life together told through the most important moments in their lives. RL/SB. Slash. Marauders-Post Azkaban</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Promise

** The Nine Times Sirius Black Nearly Killed Remus Lupin **

Remus was drawn to Sirius’ reckless nature from the moment he saw him sorted. While Remus stood huddled with the other first years, he watched in awe as arrogant Sirius Black approached the Hat and smirked as it fell upon his head. A moment passed before the Sorting Hat screamed “Gryffindor.”

Sirius smiled widely, and Remus felt his heart skip a beat. The Great Hall had gone deadly silent and everyone was staring. Sirius confidently marched over to the Gryffindor Table and took his seat before sticking his tongue out at the Slytherins. James Potter began cheering wildly and the rest of the Great Hall joined in. Sirius was being clapped on the back by older Gryffindors and smugly looking around at everyone staring at him. Remus had no idea what the big deal was, but he was impressed. Impressed at Sirius confidence, at his arrogance, at his electric nature. Remus couldn’t begin to imagine being that sure of himself and felt inexplicably drawn to the other boy. He wanted to understand him, be friends from, learn from him.

                Over the course of the next nearly twenty-five years Remus learned a lot about and from Sirius Black. He learned that Sirius was not nearly as confident as he seemed, but he loved fiercely, cared deeply, and was unfathomably loyal. He learned the warmth of another’s embrace, the burn of being hurt by someone you trusted unquestionably and the joy of true forgiveness. He learned what it means to love someone without boundaries and without doubt. What it feels like to know that someone loves you back with every inch of their being. He learned what it feels like to be willing to die to save another.

                Most importantly Remus Lupin learned that he was doomed to love Sirius Black. And that Sirius Black was the deadliest person he would ever meet.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**The First Time Sirius Black Nearly Killed Remus Lupin:**

_Some Basic Background Information on our Protagonists:_             

The four Gryffindor boys became fast friends their first year. They were bound together by a common desire to laugh. Such a simple thing, but in increasingly dark times, and with increasingly complicated lives, it cemented them together. The Gryffindor First Years quickly became known as the Marauders for their cunning, daring, and general tomfoolery.

                James Potter was a natural born leader from a loving family. His parents had waited their whole lives to have him and he was spoiled rotten. His Father was a retired Auror and his Mother a retired Mediwitch. They were incredibly wealthy, one of the last remaining pureblood families, and incredibly generous. So while James was rich and sometimes a brat, he loved deeply and thought well of most people.

                Peter Pettigrew came from a middle-class family. He had a younger sister and lived with his Mother. His Father had abandoned them when Peter was very young. But his Mother worked hard and provided a good and safe life for her two children who she loved very much. Peter was a follower, who wanted approval from his friends more than anything else. He was very loyal, especially to James, who had taken him much like a little brother.

                Sirius Black was a powerhouse of a personality. Loud, ambitious, arrogant and cunning, most people didn’t understand how he did not get sorted into Slytherin. But those that knew him best, the Marauders, quickly learned there was much more to Sirius then he let most people see. Sirius’ parents had been strict, brutal in their child rearing techniques and fanatical in their beliefs. Sirius was a natural born rebel. He had been questioning his parents since he could talk and dreaming of going to Hogwarts to get away from them, to make his own friends, and cut his own destiny. But as strong as Sirius was he could not escape the damage of such an upbringing. He had learned to present himself brashly and proudly. But underneath his tough, uncaring exterior was a deeply sensitive soul who needed the approval of his friends and their love to feel any kind of real confidence.

                Remus Lupin was always a bit of a mystery, even to his friends. He was quiet and quick-witted. He had come from a loving family and was an only child. He had grown up in a rural town, with few friends and little money. Most people couldn’t understand how Remus fit into the group, but the funny thing was he was one of the most essential members of the Marauders. While James was all ideas and Sirius was all energy and gusto, Remus was the voice of reason. He took the time to take their plans and make them into attainable pranks and plots. He was clever, and cool-headed under pressure. Without Remus, the Marauders would not have been nearly as successful as they were.

                Which is why the three other Marauders found themselves in a real pickle second year, when they started to question his monthly disappearances.

                “Maybe he was leukemia?” said Peter quietly as Sirius paced around the room angrily.

                “What in the bloody hell is leukemia?” James as from his bed.

                “It’s a muggle blood disease. It requires monthly treatment. That could explain it.”

                “He doesn’t have leukemia, Peter,” Sirius snapped.

                “Just an idea, no need to yell at him Sirius,” James said.

                “It’s a stupid idea. We know what it is. He disappears once a month, always around the full moons. He comes back looking sickly and has killed off more family members then I can count with his lame excuses. He’s a werewolf. Now the question is what do we do about?” Sirius asked.

                “What do we do about it? I expect nothing,” James replied firmly.

                Sirius looked exasperated, “Nothing? Nothing? You’re fine living with a blood thirsty beast?”

                James sighed and got calmly off his bed to walk towards Sirius. “Sounding a lot like a Black now aren’t you? He’s not a blood thirsty beast. He’s our friends, who happens to turn into a wolf once a month.”

                Sirius looked at James alarmed. “You know my parents are wrong about most things but the entire wizarding world agrees there’s something wrong with werewolves.”

                “The entire wizarding world is wrong then. Look Sirius, has Remus ever done anything to scare you?”

                “Well, no. But still…”

                James pinched the bridge of his nose, “Has he _ever_ been anything but the best friend to you? The most helpful person in our year?”

                “Look, Remus is great. Or I thought he was. He’s probably just acting James and now you’re going to get caught in his web,” Sirius screamed.

                James grabbed Sirius wrists and pulled him close to whisper dangerously, “Remus is one of our _best friends_ , Sirius. That is not an act. He cleans up after our messes, goes to detention with us, and brings us chocolate when we are sick. It is NOT some elaborate scheme to lull us into his web. That. Is. Remus. Our Remus, who gets torn apart and destroyed by something every month. Our Remus who feels like he can’t trust us with this because he’s scared we’ll react EXACTLY the way you are reacting.”

                Sirius looked taken aback, “Remus shouldn’t be scared of us…”

                “No he shouldn’t… or at least he shouldn’t be scared of me or Peter. YOU, are acting exactly as he feared you would,” James snapped back.

                “I see your point,” Sirius replied dryly, “Where is he now anyway? It’s not the full moon any longer.”

                James looked around, “He always comes back a day or two later. I suspect he’s in the Hospital Wing recovering.”

                “I want to go see him,” Sirius said.

                James looked a little alarmed, “Yea, that could be good… or really bad. Are you sure you’re ok with this now?”

                Sirius shrugged, “My parents weren’t right about mudbloods, half-bloods, Potters or Gryffindor. Who’s to say they’re right about this?”

                James smiled and walked over to his Invisibility Cloak. “Let’s go then.”

_____________________________________________________________________________________

                “Why do we even need the Invisibility Cloak? It’ not after curfew yet?” Sirius asked annoyed, as Peter stepped on his foot for the 10th time.

                “Remus is not going to want to see us. You know how he is, he’s going to try to avoid talking to us about it, probably deny the whole thing. We need to sneak up on him to confront him,” James said firmly.

                “So we’re basically attacking him? That should help his mode,” Sirius said sarcastically.

                “Shhh,” Peter whispered as they approached the Hospital Wing doors.

                Peering inside they could see one cot had privacy sheets pulled around it near a window. All the other beds were empty and Madame Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen. The three Marauders began creeping towards the bed cautiously. James froze before it and listened carefully. He glanced at Sirius who shrugged his shoulders because he could hear no noise either. James took a deep breath pulled back the curtains.

                Laying before them was Remus. Cocooned in blankets and sleeping soundly, he had an array of ugly cuts and scars all over his exposed skin. Sirius took a sharp breath as James took a brave, unsure step forward. “Remus,” he said softly, “Remus can you hear me?”

                Remus’ eyes flickered a little bit and James took a seat on the bed. Sirius was still frozen in place, he’s eyes flashing over the wounds that covered his friend. “Why didn’t Pomfrey heal his wounds?” Sirius whispered.

                Hearing Sirius voice, Remus opened his eyes slowly, “Sirius,” he said hoarsely, “What are you doing here?”

                “How are you feeling Rem?” James asked.

                As Remus looked at Sirius, James and Peter he sat up straighter, wincing and grabbing his ribs. His eyes flashed quickly as he came to his senses and Sirius could see how shallow his breathing had gotten. He was panicking, Sirius knew and took a step forward to help his friend. “Don’t move Sirius, please,” Remus whispered.

                Sirius froze and James looked at the injured boy quizzically, “We know Remus, and we don’t care.”

                “Know what?’ Remus asked softly looking around the room.

                “That you’re a werewolf,” Peter whispered and Remus moved quickly trying to swing his legs off the bed but winced immediately.

                James grabbed his shoulders which caused Remus to whimper in pain. The black haired boy dropped his hand quickly looking at Sirius for help. Sirius just stared at Remus as a bit of blood began to seep through his shirt near his shoulder and ribs.

                Remus was staring at Sirius desperately, “I’m not a werewolf. I just… I just was on my way to visit my Mother when I fell down the stairs and I’ve been in the Hospital Wing since then.”

                James sat on his hands, clearly concerned he would hurt Remus further and said, “Please don’t lie Remus, we don’t care. We love you anyway. You’re one of our best mates.”

                Remus looked at him shocked and then at Peter who smiled weakly and Sirius who was still staring at Remus in horror. Remus chuckled softly and said, “You may not care James but Sirius does. He hasn’t stopped staring at me since you came in.”

                Sirius’ eyes snapped up and he took a definitive step towards Remus. Remus leaned away from the grey eyed boy as if afraid Sirius would hit him and smiled sadly. “I’ll move out tomorrow. James you may not care but most of the World does and I can’t blame Sirius for looking at me the way he is. But I’m not going to live with it, or force him to. I’ll leave.”

                James glared at Sirius who shook his head and leaned down in front of Remus. The werewolf locked eyes with him as Sirius raised a shaky hand to wipe away some of the blood that was oozing from a cut on his face, “What happened to you Remy?”

                “The wolf happened to me,” Remus whispered quietly without taking his eyes off Sirius.

                “Why doesn’t Pomfrey fix you up proper?”

                Remus looked thoroughly confused now, “Werewolf wounds, they don’t heal like other injuries. It can’t be fixed with magic. But I natural heal quicker than most people so they’ll be gone by tomorrow.”

                “I hate it,” Sirius whispered.

                “I know, I said I’ll move out,” Remus whispered back as James moved uncomfortably next to him.

                “No,” Sirius said firmly, “No I hate _IT_. The wolf, not you Remus, never you.”

                Remus looked confused, “But Sirius, surely in your lessons you learned that I am the wolf and the wolf is me.”

                Sirius shook his head and put a hand on Remus head, “They told me that Remus. But I know you, and the wolf did this to you because you won’t let it hurt other people. You do this, every month to save other people. That’s the bravest thing I’ve ever heard. You’re the bravest person I’ve ever meet.”

                Remus looked shocked, “Sirius, I’m an animal. I could kill you in a second.”

                Sirius grabbed Remus hand painfully, “Don’t you dare ever say that in front of me Remus. Don’t you dare. Your brave and strong and I’m going to find a way to protect you.”

                Remus stared at Sirius and felt his heart skip several beats. He smiled slowly, sure that Sirius Black was going to be the end of him by the way his stomach was flipping and tying into knots. But damn it if he didn’t believe Sirius would find a way to help him. And in that moment as he smiled shyly at Sirius, he thought he was going to die from happiness for having such amazing friends.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

                **A:N: Comments and Kudos are deeply appreciated! I hope to get this story done very quickly!**


	2. The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius Black is the most confounding and deadly human being Remus Lupin has ever meet. Thinking back on their life together Remus can remember at least nine times that Sirius almost killed him. This is the story of Remus and Sirius life together told through the most important moments in their lives. RL/SB. Slash. Marauders-Post Azkaban

** The Second Time Sirius Black Nearly Killed Remus Lupin **

                Remus Lupin moaned as he splashed water on his face and shook his head. He was leaning over the sink of his dormitory bathroom after having just woken up from an extremely disturbing dream about his best friend Sirius Black. These dreams were becoming more and more frequent and Remus felt nauseous just thinking about them.

                It had been two years since his friends had found out he was a werewolf. Two years, since Sirius Black promised, with deep conviction, to find a way to help Remus. They had been a hundreds of adventures together. And Sirius was true to his word, just last week he, James and Peter had revealed they were animagi and would be able to accompany Remus on his monthly absences. Remus had been terrified for his friends and also incredibly grateful. That night they had joined him in the Shrieking Shack and Remus had woken up in much better shape than he ever had before. They had immediately begun planning adventures for next month. James even hoped they would be able to leave the Shack as the wolf became more comfortable with their presence. And Remus, so grateful to them, had hide his fear that something would go wrong and laughed along with his friends.

                Now Remus found himself staring at the reflection in the mirror. At fourteen he was taller than most of his classmates, had wisps of grey already forming in his blond hair and was skinnier then he would like. Most disturbingly when Remus friends began talking about girls Remus found he had little interest. He liked them enough, especially as friends. But he hardly noticed if they were pretty and never found himself having a crush on any of them. He could’ve written himself off as a late bloomer if it hadn’t been for these dreams about Sirius. And as fourth year carried on he frequently found himself staring at Sirius during class, dinner, adventures and basically any moment his brain wasn’t distracted by other things.

                He rested his head on the mirror and sighed deeply, “As if you aren’t enough of a freak already, Lupin. Got to add gay to the list.”

                He stood up straight and pulled his shirt on before walking back into the boy’s dormitory. James was sitting up on his bed and talking animatedly about Lily Evans again. “She’s just got the most amazing hair, and skin and lips. Have you noticed Padfoot?”

                “You’ve pointed it out enough times that I’d have to be daft not to notice, Prongs,” Sirius replied dryly.

                James huffed, “Well don’t notice too much. She’s mine. I’m going to marry her.”

                Sirius rolled his eyes, “Oh don’t worry Potter, I’ve got no interest in your one, true love. She’s too much of a goody-goody for me.”

                “Don’t insult my fair maiden! I’ll protect her honor if you make me,” James yelled.

                “Jamsie-boy, I deeply apologize. Just trying to say she’s all yours,” Sirius laughed. He turned to look at Remus, “Spent enough time staring at your beautiful self in the mirror have your Remus?”

                “Shut it Padfoot,” Remus snapped.

                “I can’t win today can I?” Sirius asked indignantly. “Just acknowledging your beautiful hair, and skin and lips as Potter likes to point out about Evans so much.”

                Remus collapsed on his bed frowning. James laughed, “Are you in love with Moony now, Sirius?”

                “Unrequited apparently. Don’t worry Remus I’ll break you down, just as Jamsie thinks he’s going to do to his Lily Flower,” Sirius said happily.

                Remus rolled his eyes, “So what’s the plan for tonight. I’m sure your cooking something up for the Valentine’s Day Feast.”

                James jumped up and walked over to get his wand. “We’re going to get the Slytherin’s this year. Especially Snape. I can’t stand the way he’s always talking to my Lily.”

                “So what’s the plan?” Remus asked.

                Sirius sat down on the bed next to Remus put his hand on his shoulder. Remus tried to hide the shiver that ran through his spine at the contact. He internally cursed himself and looked at Sirius who was staring at him thoughtfully. “Well Remus, my dearest, dearest friend. You’re going to come with me to run the distraction sequence. Meanwhile, Peter and James will sneak into Slytherin Common Room to set off Love Potion bombs and cause them to go all oggly for each other and anyone else they see.”

                Remus looked cautiously at Sirius, “What… is the distraction sequence?”

                “Well McGongall, my one true love, will be expecting something. So we’re going to set off a serious of increasingly romantic fireworks throughout the castle to distract all the Professors and trick them into a false sense of security,” Sirius said proudly.

                “There’s a 100% chance we’ll get caught Padfoot,” Remus said frowning.

                “Pfft, you doubt me Remus? You doubt how slippery I am? How I can escape from McGoogles clutches. No,no. We will not get caught,” Sirius replied arrogantly.

                Remus rolled his eyes, “Ok, ok. I’m in. But we get the cloak.”

                “That’s a negative Moony. Peter and I will need it to sneak into the Slytherin Common Room,” James replied.

                “How’d I wind up on the suicide mission?” Remus asked.

                “I insisted you be with me. So I can protect my Moonbeam,” Sirius replied moving his hand to grasp Remus’. The blonde boy quickly moved his hand away and looked at Sirius as if he had lost his mind.

                “You reject my advances? That hurts Moony. It hurts me deeply,” Sirius screamed and James laughed.

                “You’re off your rocker Sirius,” Remus mumbled, “But I’m in.”

 ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

                “I’ll kill James, I will,” Sirius huffed as they ran through the corridors with Filch close on their heels.

                “This was your idea Padfoot,” Remus replied.

                “I only agreed to it, to make him feel better about Lily turning him down for the millionth time. All I sacrifice for him and this is the thanks I get. Sent on a suicide mission so he can execute his revenge,” Sirius said indigently setting off another firework behind them.

                “We need a place to hide, we need a place to hide, we need a place to hide,” Remus mumbled and then came to a sudden stop as something shifted in the wall behind him.

                “Oi, Moony let’s go!” Sirius yelled but Remus took a step closer to the wall. “Come on, I don’t want to get caught badly enough that I’m just going to stand around waiting for Filch!”

                “Siri…there’s something happening to this wall,” Remus whispered just as a door appeared. “A door...”

                Sirius ran forward and grabbed the handle causing Remus to yelp in surprise, “Well come on, Rem. You asked for a place to hide and Hogwarts has provided. Now get in quick.”

                “We don’t even know where that goes!” Remus exclaimed just as Filch’s voice could be heard getting closer.

                “We’re about to find out. Let’s go!” Sirius yelled and grabbed Remus to pull him into the room.

                As the door shut a light turned on in the room and Sirius gasped in delight. Remus was still leaned over trying to catch his breath when Sirius started hitting him yelling excitedly. “This is the best place you’ve ever found Remus!”

                He looked up and smiled broadly at what he saw. It was a room filled with comfy chairs, a radio, books and various games. “Wicked,” he said.

                “The best, the best. It’s like our own personal hideout spot. Seems like Filchy walked right past it. Now we can just sit here and wait until James and Peter are done with their debauchery and it’s safe to sneak out,” Sirius said happily before falling onto a bean bag chair. “Come sit with me,” he said patting the chair next to him.

                Remus walked over and fell into the seat smiling, “I could use a drink,” he said. And suddenly a butterbeer appeared on the table next to him.

                “Wicked! I want a firewhiskey,” Sirius exclaimed and a bottle appeared in his hand.

                Remus frowned, “Sirius we’re not old enough to drink.”

                “We’re exactly old enough to drink, Remus. Don’t be a spoiled sport,” Sirius said wickedly taking a swig of the whiskey and handing it to Remus who shrugged his shoulders before taking a shot.

                “Yeaaaa. Now it’s a party. Let’s play some Exploding Snaps!” Sirius said happily and the two fell into a companionable silence playing the game and drinking.

 ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

                After an hour or so Sirius sat bolt upright, he smiled drunkenly, “Let’s play a new game!”

                “Ok, sure, what?” Remus asked.

                “Truth or Dare,” Sirius said confidently.

                Remus frowned, “I don’t think I like that idea.”

                “Oh come on, Moony. It’s just us two mates,” Sirius said happily.

                “Ok, ok I’ll go first. Truth,” Remus said.

                “Of course you would pick truth, of course. Hmmm, do you have a crush on Lily Evans?” Sirius asked.

                “No, don’t be ridiculous,” Remus replied.

                “No need for the attitude. I was just checking. I’m going with truth too. To be different then you expect,” Sirius said confidently.

                “Hmmm, what’s the worst memory you have?” Remus asked quietly and Sirius frowned. Little was known about Sirius home life and Remus wanted to know. He figured drunk Sirius would be more likely to answer.

               “Going right for the heavy stuff, ehh Remus? Ok… when I was five my favorite House Elf got sick and my Mother brought me into the living room where the house elf was waiting. She told me it was time I understood the Black traditions and whipped her wand at the House Elf who promptly lost her head,” Sirius said, getting quieter as he spoke.

                 Remus reached out and took Sirius hand in his. “I’m sorry, Siri. That, that you had to see that.”

                 Sirius looked cautiously at Remus hand and smiled, “S’ok. Not your fault. Your turn now.”

                 “Truth.”

“Is this going to be the truth or truth game? Ok fine…. Does it still hurt? Even though we’re there?” Sirius asked quietly.

Remus wondered when this game had gotten so heavy, “Yes it does. But you guys really helped. I didn’t hurt myself nearly as bad as I used to. Just the transformations beat me.”

Sirius looked defeated, “but I just wanted to help you? What’s the point even.”

Remus frowned, “It’s not your fault Siri. I’m a bloody thirsty animal. It’s my own fault. I hurt myself, I hurt my parents, I don’t want to hurt my friends too.”

Sirius grabbed Remus shoulders now partially out of his seat. His breath smelled heavily of firewhiskey and his eyes were bloodshot, “Don’t you dare say that about yourself Remus. Your perfect and amazing.”

Remus shook his head, “Sirius, don’t be ridiculous. I’m an animal, a disgrace. My parents would definitely be better off without me. And sometimes… sometimes I even wish I was dead.”

Sirius started pouting and whispered, “Don’t say that.”

“Listen, Sirius, I don’t know why you refuse to see it but it’s true. I’m nothing but a burden. And sometimes it just hurts so bad and I see how I affect everyone else, especially my parents and I just wish the werewolf who infected me had finished the job.”

Sirius slapped him now tears swelling up in his eyes, “Shut up, Remus. Just shut up. I can’t hear you say this. Don’t you see how perfect you are,” he leaned back to grab the firewhiskey and took another swig.

“What the hell is wrong with you Sirius. What’s this lately with me being perfect?” Remus asked, sounding a bit angry.

“’Tis nothing. I just don’t like you talking that way about yourself,” Sirius mumbled and looked away.

Remus was contemplative for a second and took another drink as well. “Truth or Dare?”

Sirius looked up cautiously before taking a deep breath, “Truth.”

Remus felt his heart beating hard against his ribs and was sure it was about to burst, “I feel like.. I feel like you’ve been staring at me lately… why?”

“Because I have been staring at you,” Sirius replied simply. “I feel like you’ve been staring at me too…”

Remus nodded, “I have… I try not to. I’m sorry.”

Sirius shrugged, “Don’t apologize. I’m not going too.”

There was companionable silence for a minute or two and then Sirius said, “Do… do you think James or Peter ever stares at either of us?”

Remus snorted, “James only has eyes for Lily. And Peter is too busy eating his chocolate to stare at anyone.”

Sirius climbed onto the bean bag chair with Remus carefully and took his hand. Remus couldn’t hide the shiver as Sirius started rubbing his knuckles and leaned his head on his shoulder. “We’re just really good friends right Siri?” he asked.

“Mhm,” Sirius whispered and sat up a little to look Remus in the eyes. He looked terrified and it scared the hell out of Remus to see him look that way. Suddenly, Sirius took a deep breathe and leaned forward pressing his lips against Remus’.

Remus head exploded with fireworks and his heart began racing. Surely he was having a heart attack. But he felt himself grab the back of Sirius head and open his mouth. Then Sirius tongue was in his mouth and they were snogging. Really snogging. And Remus was 100% sure he was going to die of a heart attack.

Sirius sat back suddenly panting and stared at Remus. He looked so vulnerable and scared that Remus found himself pulling him back in for another kiss and Sirius relaxed in his arms. They snogged for what felt like hours, Remus accepting the heart attack he was experiencing thanks to Sirius Black, because surely this feeling was worth dying for.

Suddenly Sirius pulled back again and smiled before leaning his head on Remus shoulder and smelling his hair. They sat in companionable silence for several minutes before Sirius said, “I’ve been trying to get up the nerve to do that for ages.”

Remus turned to look at Sirius alarmed, “Really?”

“Yea, at least a year,” he frowned, “Does this mean, I’m gay?”

“I have no idea, Sirius. I don’t think it matters… I would like to be able to kiss you again. That was incredible.”

“Much better then snogging a girl, I can tell you that,” Sirius said happily snuggling into Remus again.

“Siri?”

“Hmm?”

“What does this mean? For us?” Remus said nervously.

Sirius kissed Remus neck softly sending shivers down his spine, “I’d like to keep doing this with you Rem. You mean a lot to me.”

“You mean a lot to me too Sirius,” Remus said happily.

“Really?” Sirius asked surprised.

Remus turned around so Sirius was underneath him slightly and he was looking into the other boy’s nervous eyes, “Yes really? Why would you think you didn’t?”

Sirius blushed slightly and Remus felt his heart swell, because surely, nobody else had ever had the privilege of seeing Sirius Black blush. “Well… I just… I sometimes have a hard time believing I matter to anyone… My parents certainly don’t care about me… I just thought that maybe you tolerated me, but that I wasn’t as important to you, as you are to me,” Sirius said quickly before turning his head away.

Remus grabbed Sirius face and stared into his eyes, “Your parents don’t know how amazing you are. James loves you, Peter loves you and I…. I care about you an awful lot Sirius. Too much to be healthy, honestly.”

Sirius smiled nervously and kissed Remus gently, “I think… I think I could fall in love with you Remus. I know we’re young but I just really can’t imagine not kissing you every day of my life now that I have.”

Remus laughed, “You can kiss me every day of your life Sirius, but don’t love me, I don’t deserve it. I’m a monster, and I’ll just hurt you in the end.”

Sirius grabbed Remus on the back of the neck gently and shook his head, “Ok rule number of… whatever this is between us: You cannot call yourself a monster. You are the kindest, bravest person I’ve ever meet. I know you’ll _never_ hurt me. You couldn’t hurt me if you wanted to anyway… I’ve a Black soul.”

Remus frowned, “Ok but then Rule #2: You cannot say you have a Black soul, or that somethings wrong with you… You are not your parents. You are Sirius, and your kind and warm and brave, if a little brash and reckless at times.”

Sirius smirked, “Ok but one problem Remus.”

“Hmmm,” Remus said laying his head on Sirius shoulder.

“I hate rules.”

Remus laughed and grabbed Sirius face to bring him back into another kiss.

 

* * *

 

 

Looking back, Remus realizes loving Sirius might’ve been the deadliest thing he ever did. But he wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.

 ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N** : Two chapters in one day! Reviews please so I keep this pace up. The pups are together now. Next chapter will see a serious bump in their relationship and some actual danger. As the story progresses they will experience heartbreak, romance and real near-death experiences.


	3. The Betrayal

**The Third Time Sirius Black Almost Killed Remus Lupin:**

James Potter was a lot of things. He was kind, confident, funny, self-involved, silly, loyal, clever and brave. But one thing he certainly was not was stupid. So when his best friends started spending an awful lot of time together he noticed. And, as Remus learned second year, when James noticed things he began to investigate them.

Upon further observation James quickly noticed that not only did Remus and Sirius spend a lot of time alone together, they were also constantly touching. Light friendly touches that most people wouldn't notice or comment on. But James wasn't most people and these were his best mates. Sirius would lay on Remus lap, Remus would play with his hair while reading a book, Sirius would grab Remus hand when in a dark tunnel and Remus would protectively stand in front of Sirius when Regulus or Bellatrix were around. At first he thought he was just being sensitive or paranoid or crazy. But as fourth year turned into fifth year James realized they were **absolutely** touching each other more then was normal or necessary.

The straw that broke the camel's back was that James realized Sirius and Remus had _changed_. It was a subtle change, once again only something a best mate would notice. Sirius was still loud, obnoxious and willing to run into danger at any moment. Remus was still loyal, reserved and clever. But suddenly all Remus had to do was quirk an eyebrow at Sirius to get him to drop a particularly insane plan. And Sirius simply had to clap his hands on Remus' shoulders, keep them there a moment longer than necessary, and whisper something in Remus ear, and the quiet boy would be willing to join in whatever prank Sirius had concocted.

No, James thought to himself while the full moon approached, something was definitely up. He thought he knew what it was but he was going to ask Sirius about it before they joined Remus for the full moon. Luckily, Remus always went to the Whomping Willow right after dinner and James would have enough time to confront his friend about their new relationship before they went.

* * *

James sighed heavily as he walked into the Gryffindor Common Room and ran a hand through his hair tiredly. Sirius was sitting on the couch with Moony and lounging his legs over the other boy's. Remus was reading quietly while Sirius poked and poked at him incessantly. Remus, James noticed, had a content little smile on his face and was steadfastly ignoring his annoying friend. Sirius on the other hand, had the dangerous gleam in his eye that showed he had been challenged and was going to win.

"Moony," Sirius whined as James approached, "Moony you're going to the Shack soon and I want to show you something before you go. Stop ignoring me. It's important."

Remus calmly turned the page and continued to ignore Sirius. James took a seat next to them both on the couch and looked at Sirius cautiously. He wanted to gauge Sirius' mode before having this conversation. "What's up Sirius? I'm free. I could go with you," James said calmly.

Sirius flashed James a leery look before smiling brightly, "No Jamesie boy. No, no. Remus _must_ come with me before he goes to the Shack. I would take you but you would not appreciate my lavish love and sexual advances."

James frowned at this and catalogued Sirius' refusal to show him anything as further proof of his suspicions. Sirius had begun looping circles on Remus arm and pouting profusely. Remus flipped another page and continued as if nothing was happening.

"Moonnyyyyy," Sirius whined and Remus finally sighed and put his book down. Sirius sat up excitedly and said, "Let's go, we don't have much time now but I could still show you what I found."

"No Sirius, I'm going to head out now. I want to talk to Madam Pomfrey about something before I go," Remus said standing up and dropping Sirius' legs unceremoniously to the floor.

Sirius jumped up and pouted again, "Fine. I don't even want to show you anyway."

"Don't act like the child, Sirius. You can show me tomorrow," Remus said brushing his robes off and rolling his eyes at James.

"Hmm. Really Sirius. I can go with you before the sunsets," James said to his angry friend.

"No. It's fine. It's nothing. I thought Moony would like it because… it was about books and things but he _clearly_ doesn't care so whatever," Sirius said in an angry huff.

"I'll see you both later," Remus said calmly before walking casually out of the room.

"Damn wonker," Sirius mumbled as he collapsed back onto the couch.

"Sirius I've actually wanted to talk to you about something. Want to come upstairs with me for a minute before we head out to the Shack?" James asked lightly. This wasn't ideal, an annoyed Sirius was an unpredictable Sirius but James wasn't going to wait any longer to talk to his friend.

"Sure James, whatever," Sirius said and got up to head upstairs. James followed quickly and was relieved to find their dorm empty, Peter was apparently still at dinner. "What's up?" Sirius asked darkly after collapsing onto his bed.

"Ohh hmmm," James replied staring at his friend. Sirius looked like he always had. Shaggy hair below his ears, grey eyes bright with curiosity and anger. His jeans were torn but clearly expensive and his shirt had a muggle punk band on it. He was tall and skinny but muscles were defined on his forearms. He didn't look like a poofter, James thought. But what did he know, he'd never met one. Still he wasn't sure how to start the conversation. If he was wrong Sirius would become very angry. If he was right, James worried, he would become even angrier. Sirius was all raw untrained emotion. He cared deeply and hated strongly. James assumed it was a product of his upbringing. Sirius had never been taught how to healthily deal with his emotions, instead he reacted gutturally and without thought.

"Well, spit it out. And if it's about Lily again, I'll kill you," Sirius said.

"No, uh, actually it's about Remus," James said quietly.

Sirius sat up quickly and gave James a curious look, "What about him?"

"Well, um, really it's about you and Remus."

Sirius paled slightly and stood up. "What about me and Remus?" he said loudly.

"Well just, you guys have just been, uh, spending a lot of time together. I was wondering if he had replaced me as your best mate," James said quickly.

Sirius laughed a little too loudly, "Always paranoid. No James, it's just I've needed some help in Herbology so he's been tutoring me."

"Since last year?" James said quickly.

"Well… last year it was Defense Against the Dark Art," Sirius said.

"Your top marks in that class, Sirius."

"Well… cause of Remus," Sirius replied with a look of increased anger in his eyes.

"Padfoot listen, I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to come out with it. Are you and Moony… together?" James asked quietly.

"What, no. Why would you think that? I'm not some shirt-lifter am I?" Sirius yelled.

"You've been sneaking off together."

"We're friends, you're just jealous I'm not spending all my time up your arse, Potter," Sirius snarled.

"Calm down, alright. I just… I think you've been touching each other a lot and sneaking off and I _think_ I even walked in on something the other day when the two of you were behind the bed curtain," James said back with more confidence.

"Well I… we… is it like… do you care?" Sirius asked, his voice dropping at the end.

James looked at his best mate in shock. He had thought it. He had even been confident enough in his suspicions to ask. But now that it was out in the open, and Sirius was admitting it he felt his blood start to boil, "Sirius… you two just can't be together… you just can't."

Sirius shoulders slumped and he took a hitched breath. The room was dangerously still as he seemed to have a million thoughts at once. "This is why we didn't tell you… I knew you'd be a berk about it. Well if you don't like it you can just bugger off," Sirius said with apparent confidence, but James could see his shoulders shake as he spoke.

"Sirius… look at me. I don't want it to be like that but you… it's just wrong! It's wrong! And it'll change everything. What happens if you two break up? The Marauders will be done," James yelled.

"That's not going to happen I… it's just not going to happen," Sirius said with heated certainty but kept his eyes averted.

"But what if it does? What if you hurt him, or he hurts you, or you hurt each other and then our friendship goes out the window," James replied fiercely.

"Well, then something more important than our _apparent_ friendship will have ended… just be honest about your problem here, James. You're a prejudice wanker and that's the real issue," Sirius replied looking up at the ceiling and moving backwards.

"It's unnatural, Sirius. Everyone thinks it is."

"Everyone also hates werewolves and I didn't see you jump on that bandwagon. Can forgive Remus for something he can't help, but not me. I see how it is," Sirius huffed and sat on his bed putting on his shoes.

"Where are you going? Of course I can forgive you… I just… it'll take some getting used to," James replied nervously.

"Don't bother Potter. I don't need your forgiveness. I… care about Remus a lot and if you don't like that then you can just bugger off. We don't need you anyway!" Sirius yelled while tying his shoes.

"Wait… wait. Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't want this conversation to go this way. I just… I don't want to lose my best mate, and my other best mate. I'm just nervous and we're so young. How long has this been going on anyway?" James asked.

"Since last year."

"Last year! And you still hadn't told me… you're like… are you in love? Oh my god, Sirius. Are you in love with each other? This is going to ruin everything!" James yelled.

"Shut up. Just shut up. I get it. You hate me, you hate Remus. You think we're gross and disgusting and deserve to be put down," Sirius yelled back, standing up angrily.

"Jesus, Padfoot, I don't hate you. I really didn't mean for this to go this way. I'm just shocked. A year's a long time… you must really care about each other," James mumbled.

"Yea we do. And what of it?"

"I'm sorry, Sirius. I shouldn't have said those things," James whispered.

"Well you did. The truths out. I'll take my stuff and go. Don't bother coming to the Shack," Sirius said moving towards his trunk.

"Stop it. Stop it. I fucked this up. I'm sorry. You're my best mate. I didn't mean what I said. I can get used to it. I will. Put the trunk down, Sirius," James said moving towards him.

"No. You hate me. My family hates me. Remus is the only one that cares and that's fine. He's all I need," Sirius replied vehemently.

"I don't hate you. Can you stop and just listen for a minute!"

"I've heard more than enough from you. I'll find somewhere else to stay. Bugger off!" Sirius answered and tried to push past James. James grabbed the trunk and stared Sirius in the eye.

"Let me fix this Sirius. I didn't mean it. I said I'm sorry," James whispered.

"Take your sorry and shove it, Potter. You and my family can go eat rocks for all I care. Remus and I will be fine without you," Sirius said pulling his trunk angrily.

"Stop it! I'm not like your family Sirius. I was just worried about the Marauders… and Remus… and shocked. I'll get over it."

"If you think there's something to get over then this conversation is over," Sirius snarled.

"Oh for Christ sake Padfoot. I'm trying to apologize here! I don't give a shit if you love Moony. Calm down and let's talk about this like adults," James yelled.

Sirius froze and looked up at James. His eyes were full of anger and fear and abandonment. James felt his heart sink. He didn't want to make Sirius feel like that. He loved him, like a brother, and he had royally screwed this up. Sirius took a step towards James, still holding onto the handle of the trunk. "I do love him James. I _love him_. Not like I love you, or like I ever loved my family. I'm in love with him. What do you have to say about that?" Sirius whispered his face inches from James.

James' heart dropped and he stared in shock. His mouth moved without any sound coming out and Sirius nodded darkly. "That's what I thought." He dropped his trunk and walked confidently towards the door, "I'll send for my things when I figure out where I'm staying," he said and stormed out of the dormitory with a dark glare.

The door slammed and echoed into the dark room as James sat on Sirius' trunk. "Bollocks. I screwed that up," James mumbled.

* * *

Sirius stormed past the statue of the One Eyed Witch in a blind rage. He didn't need James. He didn't need anyone. He was Sirius Black, heir to a fortune, gifted with incredible magic and good looks. He had a boy who loved him and cared about him and would forgive anything he did. Yes, he thought he could trust James with anything but if James wanted to act like an arse he didn't care. He didn't need him.

"Where are your _friends_?" a voice whispered from the corner and Sirius whipped around crackling with anger and magic to face Snape.

"Who cares?" Sirius snapped.

"I bet I know where Lupin is. Off running with the wolves is he?" Snape answered coming out of the corner.

"You'd just love that wouldn't you. Your _obsessed_ with him. Always lurking about and asking questions," Sirius replied darkly and all the hallway lights went out suddenly.

Snape looked around and smirked, "Touch a nerve? I'm on to you all. And when I have proof I'll get him _expelled_."

Sirius snorted. He looked around to make sure no one was there and took a step towards Snape. He was sick of Snape. Sick of Hogwarts. Sick of James. Sick of his family. He was going to solve at least one problem today. "You say you want to know where we go? But I bet you're not brave enough to poke the knot on the bottom of the Whomping Willow and find out," Sirius hissed.

Snape looked shocked for a minute and then an evil smile curled at his lips. "That's really it isn't it?"

The smirk made Sirius stop and think for a second. Immediately he realized he may have made a mistake, "You'd like to think so, wouldn't you," he said, "Too bad I'd never make it that easy for you."

Snape stared blankly for a minute and turned to walk away before Sirius grabbed his arm. "Let go, Black. You can't stop me now. I'll just go next month if you do anyway. I'm going to find out what's in there and I'm going to get you all _expelled_." He kept walking and Sirius was surprised that he didn't stop him. He just stood there staring after the greasy Slytherin.

"Oh bugger," Sirius said after a minute of shock and took off running for Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

"James! James!" Sirius yelled while running into the Fifth Year dormitory.

"Oh thank god you're here Sirius! I was just going to go look for you. I. Do. Not. Care. Can you just talk to me!" James yelled.

"Fuck you, Prongs, no. But I just… I didn't know where else to go," Sirius said keeled over wheezing.

James' eyes darkened, "What did you do Sirius?" His friend was always reckless, but when he was angry there was no predicting what he would do.

"I saw Snape…"

"And… you killed him?" James asked seriously.

"No… yes… I don't know… not yet," Sirius said standing straight.

"What the hell did you do to him?" James asked his eyes bugging. "Is he poisoned? Do we need to get Dumbledore? Oh my god, Padfoot. Are you going to go to Azkaban? Didn't you know I'd forgive you! We're brothers, you didn't need to kill Snape to get revenge on me!"

"Not everything is about you Potter!" Sirius yelled.

"You need to tell me what you did," James said as calmly as he could manage.

"I… I told him how to get into the Shack…" Sirius his voice sinking into a whisper.

"Sirius… holy shit… Sirius…" James said grabbing his shoes.

"I know… I think he probably won't be able to get in, and if he does he deserves it. He's always asking questions about us, and what we're doing and where Remus goes. He's an arse," Sirius said angrily.

"He's an arse but he doesn't deserve to die! Sirius do you understand how bad this is?" James yelled pulling on a jumper.

"Where are you going? I know, I could wind up in Azkaban… are you going to tell Dumbledore?" Sirius asked with guilt in his voice.

"They'll kill Remus! They'll put him down like an animal! Don't you ever _think_ Black! I'm going to go tell Dumbledore," James yelled, moving towards the door.

Sirius grabbed James tightly. When James look in his eyes he was surprised to see some tears and absolute panic, "Why would they kill Moony? He didn't do anything. It was me. I'm the one who deserves to be punished."

James put his hands on Sirius shoulders, "Padfoot… the Ministry considers him hardly more than an animal. If you want to save him, you need to let me go. _Now_."

"James… James… you need to save him. I don't think there's time to go to Dumbledore… can you… can you go down to the Shack. Try to head Snape off. I'll go to Dumbledore. I'll tell him everything. _Please_ ," Sirius whispered, voice cracking.

James glanced out the window and estimated he had 15 minutes before the sun was down. Sirius was right, he didn't have time to tell Dumbledore. "Fuck. Sirius go tell the Headmaster. I'm going to the Shack… shit… I won't even be able to transform or Snape will know about us… Bollocks… you _owe me_ ," James said and ran towards the door.

"My life, if you save him," James heard Sirius whisper before pelleting down the stairs at a dead run and nearly running over Peter in the process.

* * *

James ran full tilt as the Whomping Willow came clearly into view. The sun was setting ominously over the forest and Snape was nowhere in sight. James grabbed a stick as he ran and slid under the arms of Willow poking the knot on the first try. He slid into the hole as the branches stilled and landed on the dirt floor with a heavy thud. "Ouch," he mumbled before getting back up to keep running.

As he approached the entrance of the Shack he saw the trapdoor had already been opened and a chill ran through him as he heard the shrieks of his friend above. _Well nothing to think about now_ , he thought to himself as he climbed the stairs.

The sight before him finally caused him to freeze. Severus Snape was standing at the bottom of a staircase frozen in terror. At the top of the stairs stood a panting wolf, shaking off the painful remnants of his transformation. "Snape, come with me _now_ ," James said in a whisper.

"Lupin was just there a minute ago… I can't believe I was right. He's a werewolf," Snape mumbled to himself.

"Great for you. We need to get out of here," James said as the wolf turned his gaze on the two students.

"Shit, shit, shit," Snape whispered backing up as the wolf growled.

"Snape _now_. Let's go," James said, too scared to move towards the Slytherin.

Snape's back touched James as the wolf began to prowl down the stairs. To James' disappoint, but not surprise, the greasy git seemed unable to move or process what to do. He grabbed Snape's arm and started pulling him towards the door.

Unfortunately, they weren't moving fast enough and the wolf pounced without warning. James grabbed the other boy and threw him towards their only escape. James ducked as the wolf flew past him and slammed into a wall snarling. As James stood up he saw Snape had skirted down the trapdoor and disappeared from sight. James began to move towards the door himself as the wolf took another leap at him. "Shit, Remus, please, I know you're in there. I need to get out of here, please," James pleaded as he rolled away from the attack.

The wolf stood up growling and James took a step backwards, falling down the staircase of the Shack. "Ouch," he mumbled before standing up quickly and grabbing the trapdoor. He pulled it down just as claws sunk into attempting to rip it back up. James pulled with all his might and the door snapped into place. He wasted no time before taking off at a run behind Snape. He could hear the Slytherin running away ahead of him and the wolf began howling wildly from behind.

James crawled desperately out of the hole in the Whomping Willow and ran past its branches. He immediately collapsed on the ground and several shuddering breathes before looking up into the sparking eyes of Albus Dumbledore. Snape was standing next to Dumbledore with Sirius and Peter slightly behind the pair. "James," Dumbledore said calmly, "I believe you have had a busy and exhausting night. Unfortunately, it is not over yet and I asking you to kindly follow me to my office to discuss the events of this evening."

James nodded and cast a cautious look at Sirius. His friend was deathly pale and shaking. He nodded thankfully at James and his head dropped to look at the ground.

"Of course, Professor," James said and stood up to follow the group inside.

* * *

Remus woke up in extreme pain. He tried to moan but found even that wasn't worth the effort. _What the hell happened_ , he thought to himself and tried to think back on his evening. He remembered going to the Shack and waiting for the transformation to begin. With a gasp he remembered seeing Snape at the bottom of the stairs and pleading with the boy to leave before it was too late. He hadn't. _Oh god, he hadn't left_.

Remus tried to sit up cautiously but a gentle hand pushed him back down and brushed a piece of hair off his face. "Don't move, Remus. God I'm sorry, just don't move. Everything's going to be ok. I promise, please," he heard Sirius voice plead desperately.

"Sirius," he croaked, "What happened? How did he find me?"

"Shhh, nothing happened. Don't worry about it. I'll explain later but you need to rest. You're more banged up then I've ever seen you. Jesus. Go to sleep," Sirius whispered.

Remus tried to nod and fell back on his pillows. Sleeping did seem like a good idea and he trusted Sirius when he said everything would be alright. He felt himself falling quickly back into a restless sleep.

* * *

He woke up again and opened his eyes slowly. It was bright in the hospital wing, he blinked the light away and looked down at his body. He was covered in bandages and salve. He looked to his right and saw Sirius sleeping with his head on the bed. He smiled to himself and ran a hand through Sirius' dark hair. The other boy sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes, "Remus," he said, his voice making the werewolf's name sound like a prayer.

"S'alright Pads. I'm okay," Remus said.

"Oh thank god. I've been so worried," Sirius said sitting up straight.

"I always get beat up after full moon when you guys aren't there," Remus whispered back. "Nothing I haven't experienced before."

"No, no. I've seen you after full before. You were… there was blood everywhere… It was all my fault. All my fault," Sirius mumbled.

"Shhh. Pads I'm fine. But I…. I need you to tell me what happened," Remus said. "How did Snape find me? How did he get away?"

Sirius quickly averted his eyes and sighed, "You've been asleep for three days, Rem."

Remus jumped at that. He normally only slept for a few hours, even after a particularly bad full moon. "Well, I'm ok now…. Tell me."

Sirius mumbled something to himself and then launched into the story of what had happened. He left nothing out, starting with his conversation with James about their relationship, how angry he had been, how Snape had instigated him. That he had immediately realized he'd made a mistake and told James who promptly ran off to save the Slytherin. That's Sirius had told Dumbledore, who had given Sirius detention for the rest of the year, and spoke to Snape about the importance of not telling anyone else. Sirius even voiced his belief that Dumbledore had threatened Snape with something, because the Slytherin had not actually said anything to anybody and it seemed Remus was safe from expulsion. He ended his story with pleading eyes and whispered a mantra of "I'm sorrys."

But Remus had tuned it out and said nothing. He took a shuddered breath and looked up at the ceiling contemplating all he had heard and what it meant. He loved Sirius, he knew it, even though he had not yet said it aloud. He loved that Sirius was reckless, easily angry and, at times, totally oblivious to the consequences of his actions. But he also loved that quiet, cautious, sweet Sirius only he knew. The one who whispered his greatest fears into his ear during late night conversations, who admitted that he hated, but also loved his family, who would skip a prank with James to sneak off with Remus for even just five minutes. Or he thought he had known that person. That Sirius, always put Remus first, before his anger, his pranks, his need for revenge. That was why he loved a lot of his more negative attributes, because in the end Remus had believed Sirius would always prioritize him and his other friends. But he had been wrong. Sirius must not love him like he thought he did. And now Remus didn't know what to do. He had put Remus life in danger to make himself feel better for just a moment. The werewolf's secret was too big to let his heart rest in the hands of someone so careless. He felt his heartbreak as he came to that realization and turned to look at his friend.

Sirius was staring at him with pleading eyes and an apologize ripe on his lips. Remus even believed he was sorry, but still it had to end. He could accept what Sirius had done but he couldn't be with him anymore. "Sirius…. This needs to end," Remus whispered.

Sirius blinked wildly, "No, Remus. I'm sorry, I said I'm sorry. I'll do anything. Please."

"I care about you, Siri. God knows I do but… it's too risky, it's too much."

"Remus… you're all I have left. Please, don't do this to me," Sirius whispered.

"To you, Sirius? To you?... This is the issue. I can't. You don't even see that you did this to _us_. You were too caught up worrying about James and even now it's about you," Remus hissed.

"Remus, please. I just… no one cares about me like you do and I… I love you," Sirius replied.

Remus breath hitched but he shook his head, "You only think you do Sirius. You'll be alright."

"You don't love me?" Sirius whispered, voice sounding like a child.

"Does it matter Sirius?" Remus sighed.

"Moony… of course it does… you're the only one who does," Sirius whined.

"James loves you like a brother. So does Peter… So do I," Remus said averting his eyes.

"No… no… you love me more than that. I know it," Sirius hissed standing up.

"It doesn't matter how I feel. It's over, you won't convince me otherwise. I forgive you, we can be friends, but this thing between is done," Remus said.

"Fine! Fine!" Sirius replied and stormed out of the room, leaving an echo of silence behind him.

* * *

James walked cautiously into the hospital wing the next day to find Remus sitting up in bed and reading. "Moony," he yelled happily and sat down on a chair. "I came by yesterday but you were asleep."

Remus smirked tiredly and put his book down turning to James. "Not mad at me Prongs?"

"Mad at you? Never," James said with a smile. "How are you feeling? You were really banged up when they brought you in."

"I'm sore but I'll be ok…. I heard you talked to Sirius?" Remus said carefully.

James huffed, "He would tell you that wouldn't he."

"He told me everything, from your conversation through Dumbledore giving him a lifetime of detention. Thank you… for saving my life," Remus said and put a hand on James'.

"I almost wasn't quick enough," James said quietly before looking up, "I thought you were dead when they brought you in here. I was hiding under the cloak and Remus… I really thought you were dead. Pomfrey did too, I could see it on her face. I even… I heard her tell Dumbledore you'd lost too much blood and your pulse had almost stopped."

Remus winced, "I'm ok. Really. Madam Pomfrey is a miracle worker."

James went on as if he hadn't heard Remus speak, "I went back to the dorm and told Sirius he had killed you. He fell to his knees. He started crying… really crying Remus. I've never seen him like that. I was angry, I just wanted to hurt him, I wanted him to know what he had done. But once I saw him like that I had to forgive him… I gave him a hug and sent Peter to check on you. Sirius cried the whole time Peter was gone, he hardly even noticed I was there. Peter said you had stabilized and Padfoot… he just kept crying Moony until he fell asleep. I think… I think he really loves you."

"Padfoot loves all of us. He would've done the same if it were you," Remus whispered.

James shook his head, "This was different. Then he stayed with you all three days, missed classes and watched over you with the Cloak on. He told me what happened yesterday between the two of you. He was crying again… I've never seen him like this."

Remus flinched, "He'll get over it. And so will I."

"I was total arse about you and him when he spoke to me. I've apologized to him a million times, but I wanted to apologize to you too. I didn't mean those things I said, it's just _different_ and I didn't know how to handle it and I'm sorry," James said, making eye contact with Remus.

"Apology accepted and understood."

"I wish you'd accept his apology as easily."

Remus sighed, "I do Prongs, I know he's sorry. I know it. But it can't go back to the way it was. We were too young, he's not ready, not mature enough."

James shrugged, "You know this is exactly what I was worried would happen. You'd hurt one another and the Marauders would be over."

"The Marauders will be fine. I'm going to get over it and in a few days Sirius will forget too."

James shook his head, "I hope your right, but I don't think you are. Padfoot is a mess."

"He's a drama king," Remus said bitterly.

"Well… yes. But he's also Sirius. He feels deeply and has no idea how to control it. You know that," James said with a bit of judgement in his voice.

"Sirius emotions are what caused this problem. I'm not in the mood to cater to them anymore. I'll talk to him and it'll be alright. We'll both get over it and by Christmas it'll be like nothing ever happened," Remus said softly, trying to convince himself as much as his messy haired friend.

"I hope you're right," James whispered and then put his hand on Remus' with a comforting smile. Remus smiled back slowly and hoped he was right as well.

* * *

**A/N: I hope you like my attempt at explaining the Shrieking Shack incident. It took me a while to write and I still don't know if I got it exactly the way I wanted too. Please review, leave kudos, any encouragement is appreciated! Next chapter will look at Sirius running away from home.**


	4. The Disownment

**The Fourth Time Sirius Black Nearly Killed Remus Lupin**

Remus woke up in his bedroom with a deep sigh. It was Boxing Day and Christmas had gone well enough. His Mother and Father had gotten him a few books, his Aunt gave him a new jumper, and his friends sent various chocolate and pranking materials. But he would be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed when Sirius' present seemed as simple as all the others.

Since, "the incident," Sirius and Remus had become friends again. To the students of Hogwarts all seemed normal between the Marauders. Remus thought, and hoped, Sirius was over the event but he was disappointed to find that he, himself, wasn't. He loved being around Sirius, James and Peter. He joked and wrestled and presented a good face. But the reality was his heart betrayed him and skipped a beat whenever Sirius brushed his arm or looked at him for too long.

He and Sirius hadn't spoken about the incident or their relationship. It seemed best to just pretend it never happened. But Remus was _not_ over it. He wasn't angry or bitter. He was just sad that it had ended, and disappointed that no matter how much time passed he still couldn't seem to move on. "Get a grip on yourself, Lupin," he mumbled as he sat up in bed. Yes, he had loved Sirius, and yes they had been together for almost a year, but they were just fifteen and really it shouldn't drag on any longer. He had no reason to be hurt that Sirius had sent a simple box of chocolate. It was for the best really, if he had sent an elaborate gift then Remus would have to deal with the implications of that.

He sighed and stretched out of his bed. The lingering effects of the Full Moon made his joints ache but it would be another 24 days before he had to deal with that again. He brushed his teeth trying to shake off lingering thoughts of Sirius as he went through his morning ritual. He headed downstairs for breakfast and smiled at his Mother as he came into the kitchen.

"Good morning Remus," she said happily and gave him a hug. "Pancakes will be ready in a minute. You've got mail by the way."

"Really?" Remus said taking a seat at the Dining Room table and picking up a letter. It was from James and Remus smiled slightly. His friend had been trying to convince him to visit over the Holiday and this was surely another overdramatic letter begging him to join the other Marauders in early January at Godric's Hollow. He opened it and was immediately surprised at how short it was.

_Moony,_

_You need to come to my House as soon as you can. And before you protest, this is not just a letter begging for your presence. I mean it. You need to come now. Sirius is here, and its bad, and I don't know what to do. I'm bollocks with emotions and family drama. My parents are helping but he's a mess. So come ASAP._

_James  
P.S: He's asking for you_

Remus gulped down his tea and felt his heart stop. Sirius was at James'? That couldn't be good. He had said he didn't want to go home and Remus froze remembering some of the conversations they had shared late at night. One in particular stood out to him and made him move quickly to get his shoes:

" _I hate them, Remus. I just hate them," Sirius said, cuddled against Remus' shoulder._

_Remus played with his hair and ran his other hand up and down the other boy's arm. "No, you don't Sirius. They're arses, and they deserve to be hated. But if you hated them, it wouldn't hurt you this much."_

_Sirius snorted and whispered darkly, "You have no idea how much they hurt me."_

_Remus sat up and looked down at Sirius carefully, "What's that supposed to mean?"_

_Sirius looked alarmed for a minute and then sighed, "I just said that. It doesn't mean anything."_

" _Do they hurt you Sirius? Like physically?"_

" _Nothing I can't handle. There not totally abusive or anything. Mum just hits me sometimes, Father's broken out the belt before. Mostly they leave the disciplining the house elves," Sirius said hurriedly and tried to pull Remus back down._

" _Stop it, Sirius. This is serious. And DON'T even make that stupid joke. They're not allowed to hit you ever," Remus snapped._

_Sirius shrugged lightly, "They're my parents and they're Blacks. They can pretty much do whatever they want. It's not a big deal. I don't go home a lot and mostly we just avoid one another when I do. Besides I get the last laugh. They haven't disowned me because they hope I'll fall in love with some pureblood bint and give them some grandchildren. Little do they know I've been snuggling up with a halfblood boy werewolf."_

" _It's not funny Sirius. They're hurting you. And, oh god, what if they find out about us?" Remus whispered._

_Sirius grabbed his face and smirked, "I hope they do. I just want to scream it from the rooftops anyway. If they find out, I'm going to tell them everything. See what they do then."_

" _They'll kill you."_

" _Not likely. I'll run away, never see them again. You're worth it," Sirius whispered and tried to pull Remus mouth to his._

" _Stop it. You can't just run away from them. They're your family," Remus whispered._

" _No. They were my family. You're the only family I need now. You and James and Peter. They're just the idiots who created me. They don't love me, and I've never given a shit about their money… I mean I use it, but that's just to get at them too," Sirius said firmly._

" _Padfoot, you can't joke about this. It's not funny."_

" _I'm not joking Moony. I hope they do find out," Sirius said. Remus looked the other boy in the eye and sighed, it was unlikely the Blacks would find out anyway. But if they did, and they hurt Sirius, he'd kill them._

"Mum, Mum, can I go to James' house?" Remus asked while tying his shoes.

"What, right now honey? It's Boxing Day, I was going to make a nice lunch and your Father took off work," his Mother said tiredly.

"I know and I'm really sorry. But there's been an emergency. Sirius is at James' house and something happened. I think he may have been disowned and he's asking for me to come," Remus said and his Mother frowned.

"Well… ok, yes. But I want you back for dinner. Tell Sirius I hope everything's ok, and let Mr. and Mrs. Potter now I'm here to help if they need anything," his Mother replied as he moved quickly towards the fireplace.

"Thanks, Mum. You're the best. I owe you," Remus said and threw floo powder into the fire. "Godric's Hollow."

He stepped out of the fire and found a scared-looking James standing in front of him. "Oh thank god you're here mate. I've got no idea what to do with him."

"What the bloody hell happened James?"

"I've no idea. He's not really talking to anybody. He just showed up in the middle of the night on my doorstep, looking exhausted, freezing and a little beat up."

Remus sighed, "He hasn't said anything? He hasn't explained?"

"No, he's basically only said that he's been disowned, that he ran away, and that he wants you," James paused thoughtfully. "You know… I knew it was bad, but I didn't think they were hitting him."

Remus took a step forward, heart beating against his chest. "Was he… is he ok… I mean physically?" he whispered.

James voice cracked a little, "I'm not sure. He's got a cut on his face and he's wheezing a lot. But he won't let anybody close enough to check him out. He's in my room… can you go up and talk to him? Maybe he'll be willing to tell you what happened."

"Of course James. That's why I'm here," Remus said and moved towards the stairs.

"Moony?" James said quietly.

"Yea?"

"I think you should know… that he's still in love with you. I know he acts ok but he's my best mate and I know he is. And he needs you now. I'm not enough. He needs you to be his… whatever you two were to each other. So do you think you can just put aside your anger and give him what he needs? At least for today?" James said in a hurry.

"Prongs, I'm not angry at him. I haven't been. I'm going to take care of him don't worry," Remus said and James nodded.

* * *

"Moony?" he heard a quiet voice say as he cautiously stepped into the James' room.

"I'm here, Padfoot," Remus whispered and walked carefully towards the bed. Sirius was sitting there and the sight was enough to make his heart skip a beat. The confident Gryffindor was sitting against the pillows, eyes downcast, shirt soaking wet and torn. He had a deep gash visible on his face and was breathing heavily.

"Moony… I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Oh Jesus, Padfoot. What could you possibly be sorry for?" Remus said and took a seat at the foot of the bed.

"I'm an arse, a disgrace, I do stupid things. I ruined everything that mattered," Sirius whined.

"Sirius… look at me. I. Do. Not. Care. This is so much more important then what happened between us. Are you ok?" Remus asked and moved his hand closer to Sirius leg.

"No, this is about what happened. I couldn't take it anymore."

"What happened Siri?" Remus whispered.

"I…. I was so angry at myself. And when I'm at School I can forget. But when I'm at home, I remember what I did to you and us and I… was just so angry. I'd been walking around waiting to pick a fight since we left School. My Mother, she mostly ignored me and Father wasn't even around. So I was sitting at Christmas Dinner and they were all there. Talking about mudbloods, and Voldemort, and pureblood evilness. And then I heard my Father say something about werewolves and I just kept getting angrier and angrier.

Then my Mother, she turned to me and said, 'We're looking into matches for you Sirius. If you don't find a good pureblood girl yourself we'll find one for you.' I knew she was trying to needle me into an outburst in front of Father but all of a sudden I said, 'Don't bother Mother. I've found someone.' My Father, he looked at me curiously and asked who and I… I just said it. I said, "Oh you don't know _him_.'

Everything froze for a minute. I think there was actually food falling off Regulus' fork. Then my Mother stood up angrily and started screaming at me about how I was a disgrace, how if I didn't give up my evil ways she'd disown me, how she hated me and wished I'd never been born. She said I wasn't human, hardly better than a half-breed and that she was going to send me to Drumstrang to fix me once and for all. This whole while, my Father was just looking at me. And that scared me more.

He stood up and he said, 'Sirius, this I cannot forgive. I tried to forgive you being in Gryffindor, for having mudblood friends, for disgracing the family name. I pushed it off as childish behavior you would grow out of. But this is too much, and it has become clear to me that you will not grow up, that this is you and your life and your decisions. I cannot stop you, but I will not support you any longer. Get. Out.'

I had expected this Remus, and I didn't care I walked right out of the room and packed my stuff in my trunk. I was coming down the stairs when I felt my feet get kicked out from underneath me. Someone grabbed my hair and dragged me back up the steps. I was screaming and yelling for help and no one came. Not my Father. Not Regulus. My Mother took me into the room with the Family Tapestry and I watched her blow my name off the wall. I didn't say anything to her.

'Happy now? I know I am you disgusting disgrace,' she hissed at me. I shrugged my shoulders and made to walk out of the room and I felt a spell slam into me from behind. 'You're no son of mine. I can do what I've always wanted to you now,' she whispered and hit me with several more curses before I managed to get out of the room. I basically fell down the staircase and grabbed my trunk. I heard her screaming behind me but she wasn't following me and I ran right out the door. I looked back and… no one was there. No one was trying to stop me. Regulus wasn't even peeking through the windows. They didn't know where I was going to go. I could be dead right now and they wouldn't care.

So anyway, I got on my broom and flew here. It took a few hours; I think I caught a cold but James' parents say I can stay…"

"Sirius… I'm sorry," Remus said at a loss for words.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I messed everything up. But I know I did something right when I left that house yesterday," Sirius whispered.

"They don't deserve you Siri," Remus whispered and moved his hand to Sirius knee. When Sirius didn't react he crawled up the bed and sat right next to him. "Do you hear me, Padfoot? They do not deserve you."

"I'm just like them. I'm insane, likely from the inbreeding, and angry all the time. I'm mean, and pick on people weaker than me. I mess _everything up all the time_. My Mother was right, I am a waste of air," Sirius said sniffling.

"Padfoot. You are warm, and kind. You feel your emotions very strongly and sometimes you do not think. But you are not insane, and you are worth air. You're one of the bravest people I've ever meet. You believe in things very strongly, and you are willing to stand up for them. Just look at what you did yesterday, you gave up a huge fortune to stand up for what you believe in," Remus whispered and ran a hand gently over Sirius face.

"Remus… do you… I mean… I love you," Sirius said softly. "I wasn't being brave. I was being arrogant and selfish. I thought if I told them, maybe you'd love me again."

"I never stopped caring about you Siri… We're just not good for each other. Look, you got me hurt, and now I got you hurt."

"I did this to myself and I'd do it again if it meant you'd keep touching me like this," Sirius said and looked up with deep conviction in his eyes. "That's what's wrong with me. I did it for selfish reason."

"Padfoot… it was brave to stand up to them. It doesn't matter why. Your feelings and beliefs were more important to you then money and power," Remus whispered and felt his walls melting. He laid down next to Sirius on the bed and felt the other boy snuggle into his shoulder.

"Hmmm. Ouch," Sirius whispered as Remus ran a hand over his t-shirt.

"Oh shit, sorry. What's under your shirt? Let me see," Remus said sitting up again.

"Oh no. Let's just lay here. That was nice."

"We have to take care of you Sirius."

"I'll let you look if you promise to lay here with me afterwards," Sirius said with a hint of both humor and fear.

"Ok."

Sirius began pulling up his shirt as he winced in pain. An angry enormous bruise took up his entire ribcage and Remus hissed. "You look worse after the Full Moon, Remus. Now that you saw lay back here with me," Sirius whispered, covering the wound again.

"I will after we get someone with medical experience to check you out."

"No," Sirius huffed.

"Don't act like a spoiled four-year-old, Pads. If you don't take care of yourself, it'll just get worse," Remus said and Sirius looked cautiously towards the door.

"Fine. Get Mrs. Potter and then you are going to lay with me like you promised," Sirius huffed.

Remus nodded and scurried out of the room.

* * *

Mrs. Potter had been in James' room looking over Sirius for twenty minutes. And Remus waited outside with James. Neither had said much to each other. Remus had given James a brief overview of what had happened and James just seemed relieved that finally they were getting to the bottom of the problem.

Suddenly James looked at Remus and said, "So are you two in loveeee again?"

"I've always loved Sirius and I always will. Like a brother," Remus replied.

James snorted, "Oh please. I love him like a brother and we've never snogged. Don't act like a prat. I don't care, I told you. I just want you both to be happy and neither of you have been since the Snape Incident."

Remus looked rather uncomfortable and said, "I don't really like talking about my feelings."

"I always knew Sirius was the woman in your relationship. I bet he just wants to talk about them all time. You should keep being a good Englishman and refuse," James said with a smirk.

"Shove it. Sirius isn't the woman."

"So you are? Interesting twist," James said with a laugh.

"Neither of us is the woman. Will you stop it. I care about him a lot… I just didn't think we were good for each other," Remus said with exhaustion.

"I think it's become clear, that not being together is worse," James said with a dramatic sigh. "Like me and my Lily Flower. If only she would realize my love for her and we could begin our life together. Don't miss out on this opportunity while you have it, Moony. It could be gone in an instant."

Remus started to laugh just as a high pitched scream started emanating from James' bedroom. He jumped up and moved towards the door but James grabbed him by the arm, "My Mum might be doing something important in there. If she gets distracted it could hurt him."

Before Remus could respond Mrs. Potter opened the door looking scared. "Both of you go now and call St. Mungo's. Tell them it's an emergency, delayed dark curse," he promptly slammed the door and the screaming continued.

Remus and James took off at a run with James getting to the fireplace first and placing the call. Two Healers and Mediwitch stepped through quickly and ran upstairs. Remus sat down on the couch and realized he was shaking. James took a seat next to him and put an arm on his shoulder, "He'll be ok. He's Sirius and he has to be."

"It's my fault. I broke up with him, so he felt the need to do something reckless and tell his parents about us. I should've known he was going to do something stupid like that," Remus whispered.

James looked scared but shook his head, "Remus, it's his parent's fault. They are sick, twisted, arseholes."

"I know that James. But I also should've known he would do something like this."

James shrugged, "Should've, would've, could've. He'll be ok. He's Sirius Black. He's too stubborn to let his Mother get the last move."

Remus nodded but didn't actually feel any better until Mrs. Potter came downstairs an hour later with a relieved smile on her face.

James jumped up and Remus looked at her nervously, "What happened?"

"He'll be ok. He is okay. They're checking him over for other spells now. He's Mother wasn't trying to kill him. Just… trying to get her point across with what she thought about him," Mrs. Potter said.

"What was the spell?" Remus asked.

"Sanguinem Purgatio. It's a blood cleansing spell. People used to use it to torture Muggleborns before the Ministry banned it at the turn of the century. Basically, it literally cleans all of your blood through a very painful process. It can't be stopped once it starts and takes about 45 minutes. We gave him a dreamless sleep potion so he can rest. There are no other spells on him, and we believe we've healed all his other injuries. I'm going to go back upstairs to relieve the Healers," she said calmly and headed upstairs.

"They cleaned his blood…" Remus whispered and stood up angrily from the couch.

"Oh shit," James said and jumped up to follow Remus as he stormed out of the room with lights flickering behind him. "Moony, stop, stop. Let's let the drama end today. I don't know if I can handle anymore. Where are you going?"

"I'm taking a broom, flying to Grimmauld Place, and killing them myself," Remus replied calmly.

"The issue with that is… I think you're serious," James said.

"I am serious. They can't just get away with this. And Sirius told me nothing would ever happen to them because they're Blacks. But I can kill them, or at least hurt them. Someone needs to tell them all they're giving up, and how great their son is. All while torturing them into insanity, possibly," Remus said grabbing a broom.

James sighed, "I _will_ follow you if I have too but I do not want to. I would like it if normal, sane, Moony came back and explained to me how _torture_ ever solved anything."

"It will make me feel better. And Sirius," Remus said matter-of-factly.

"Sirius will also feel better if you just talk to him. I believe if you told him that you were willing to go to Azkaban to avenge his suffering he might actually wet himself from joy. Why don't we try that approach instead?"

"Not as fulfilling as mine," Remus said sitting on the broom.

"I will stun you," James said seriously.

"Go ahead and try."

"Remus John Lupin. Moony. My dearest friend, and previous to this moment, voice of reason in the Marauders. I need you to come back to Earth. Immediately. I can simply not handle the pressure of being the mature, responsible person here. I am not strong enough," James said pleadingly.

"We all need breaks from our responsibilities, Prongs. I am taking one and getting revenge."

"We cannot handle you taking a break right now… they'll kill you. Seriously, imagine how angry they are right now at Sirius. If you show up on their doorstop, a halfblood boy there to avenge their son, you think they won't piece together who you are in this storyline? And promptly kill you? Come on, Moony. You are smarter than this," James said.

For a moment Remus paused to consider the possibility of his death. "It'll be worth it. If I take out one of those pureblood idiots it'll be worth it."

"Think of the children, Remus. Think of me. And… and Sirius. Seriously, think of Sirius. If they kill you, or you are arrested, what do you think will happen to him."

"He'll be fine."

"For one twisted moment I believe he will be honored that you loved him enough to sacrifice your life but then he'll sink into a deep depression. Poor Padfoot probably won't make it out of this incident alive. He's very dramatic, as you well know. If his parents kill you, I can only imagine what he'll do… Seriously… think about it. If you love him, you won't go because by killing them, you'll kill yourself, and that will kill him."

"That was hard to follow but I think you may be right," Remus said softly.

"Of course, I'm right. Now come back inside. Have some chocolate. Take your shoes off. And go apologize for being a daft werewolf who refused to admit his undying love to Sirius. Before I kill you both in your sleep," James said and walked back into the house.

Remus sighed and followed calmly.

* * *

"Sirius?" Remus asked sitting on the bed lightly.

"Huh?"

"Sirius can I sit here?"

"Course Moony. What's the matter?" Sirius asked opening his eyes blearily. Remus was sitting very close to his head with a sad look on his face.

"I've been an idiot, Padfoot," he said quietly.

"You're never an idiot, Moony. Your smart, and perfect and kind," Sirius whispered and cuddled into Remus arm.

"Seriously Padfoot. Listen, I… I love you and…"

"What?" Sirius said eye bulging.

"I love you, you know that," Remus said with a frown.

"I know but you've never really said it before. You always say _like a brother_ , at the end of that sentence," Sirius replied with a huff.

"Well, now I'm saying it, okay. Don't make this difficult. I love you, like I'm in love with you. Like how James thinks he loves Lily. How Peter loves candy, how couples love each other in movies. I love you," Remus said in an awkward rush.

"Not very good with words all of a sudden Moony? That's ok. I love when you're awkward."

"Weird fetishes. I knew _it_ ," Remus hissed and laid down.

Sirius wiggled under Remus' arm. "I love you too. So… are we together again?"

"Yea, if you want to be at least," Remus whispered and smelled Sirius hair.

"Of course I do. Why the change of heart?" Sirius asked.

"I thought you were going to die, Siri. I realized that I couldn't live without you. That you were too important, and I loved you too much. I'd been stupid in trying to stay away," Remus whispered and kissed the top of Sirius' head.

"Hmmm. That's how I felt when I saw you in the Hospital Wing. I'd risked everything for what… revenge? I deserved not to be forgiven."

"I did forgive you, Padfoot. I thought we were just too immature for what we were getting into but now I think… it's too dangerous to stay away. And I care too much."

Sirius smiled and looked up at Remus, "So we're both sorry. We both think we screwed up. We were both worried the other was going to die… but it all worked out because now James is done being an idiot, you've forgiven me, my parents have cut me off, you realized your undying love for me, and I can live with the Potters. Dreams really do come true."

"You're an idiot," Remus said with a smile.

"Don't ruin the moment," Sirius said and pulled Remus in for a kiss.

* * *

**A/N: Two chapters in one day again. Not sure I love this one, but it is what it is. Next up things go terribly wrong on an Order Mission!**


	5. First Time Defied

**The Fifth Time Sirius Black Nearly Killed Remus Lupin**

Remus had a headache. It had started above his nose and was working its way to the back of his head. He pinched the bridge of his nose and contemplated the likelihood of his brain exploding. If Sirius carried on this way it would definitely be a possibility.

Remus was eighteen years old, had had graduated from Hogwarts a few months ago and was living with Sirius in his Uncle's old flat. It wasn't the _best_ living situation, if only because Remus didn't like to be taken care of. He had no money, and contributed little to their living expenses. But Sirius had absolutely insisted that he had more than enough money for both of them, and encouraged Remus to contribute when he could. After the first incident of Sirius referring to Remus as a 'kept woman,' he hadn't made that mistake again. Losing one's eyebrows and being cut off from canoodling had that effect on the animagus.

All joking aside, Remus usually loved living with Sirius. They didn't have to sneak around like when they were in school and they were able to eat curry as much as they wanted. Post-Hogwarts Sirius was, if possible, more gentle and kind then Marauder-prime Sirius had been. He spoke softly to Remus, massaged his transformation pains away, brought chocolate home and was surprisingly willing to learn how to cook. Remus attributed the transformation to his increasingly limited exposure to James. He loved his messy haired friend but when Sirius was around him he acted very gruff and made wildly inappropriate jokes. It wasn't James' fault, Sirius seemed to feel the need to prove something to his best mate through his lewd behavior.

Sirius continued to be all jokes and rarely had serious moments. Even though they had both joined the Order and spent most of their time on Missions, Sirius refused to talk about it when he was home. If Remus tried to gauge his feelings on the War, Sirius would get angry and say something like, "Can't we just forget it for one bloody minute!" And Remus would point out, yes, of course, but Sirius refused to talk about anything they saw or did. And Sirius would grow sullen and refuse to say much more then single syllables. Remus had quickly learned this line of questioning wasn't worth the temper tantrum.

Reflecting on himself he felt much the same, if not a bit more stressed, then he had at Hogwarts. He was tired a lot around the Moon, enjoyed reading a book, playing with Sirius' hair and generally not cooking. Sirius would point out that they had recently discovered Remus was far more aggressive in bed then either of them would've thought. This was much to Sirius glee and his own embarrassment. He blamed it on the Wolf, and Sirius blamed it his own unrelenting sexiness.

Living with Sirius was really all he could've dreamed of. The lack of interruptions and sneakiness had made their relationship even more intense then he would've thought possible. They had been together for years, certainly there had been bumps in the road, but all-in-all he trusted and loved Sirius more then he thought possible. He loved everything about the animagus but most of all he loved the parts of Sirius that were only for him to see. His kindness, his generosity and his loyalty were all things that his other friends were aware of. But his clingy nature, willingness to quiet his obnoxious behavior, and obsessive need to repeatedly, and in various ways, be told he was loved were just for Remus. Others might've thought it was exhausting, and at times it was, but Remus loved the little skip his heart made when Sirius bestowed him with lavish speeches, or blushed slightly when revealing a secret raw fear, or begged Remus for more of everything.

Sirius frequently told Remus everything he loved about him as well. Usually, in over-dramatic poetic prose and exploding love letters. Remus smirked thinking of these things, Sirius was a weird man. He loved how Remus twitched his eyebrow, how he blushed when Sirius whispered in his ear, how Remus was still capable of acting shy and unsure around him. He loved the smirk the werewolf had plastered on his face when reading a particularly good book, the smell of him after the moon, the laugh that escaped him quietly when the Marauders were being inappropriate. And Remus loved that Sirius noticed these things about himself, because he certainly didn't.

But now Remus was reminded of the things he did _not_ love about Sirius Black. Namely, his incredible ability to find trouble. The black haired boy had left the night before for an Order mission and had promised to return in the morning. Well it was now noon and Remus was decidedly nervous. He didn't know if he should contact James, go looking for Sirius himself, or just head to St. Mungo's to check the patient list and morgue. His headache was caused because he knew, in all likelihood, Sirius had been on a mission with James and both of them had gone out and gotten bombed afterwards, totally forgetting that people would miss them if they passed out in the Leaky Cauldron all morning. This scenario had already played itself out three times since graduation, and Remus was sure neither of his friends had learned their lesson, despite his and Lily's rage.

Just as he stood up from the couch to call Dumbledore's Office the Fireplace light up and Lily stepped through. She looked exhausted and frayed, just as Remus felt. She glanced around nervously eyeballing him and said, "Did Sirius go on a Mission last night?" Remus nodded and Lily let out a sigh, "Well I'm sure they're out drunk again somewhere but James was with him I guess and he hasn't come home."

"Hmm. I was just about to call Dumbledore myself," Remus said and shoot a Patronus to Hogwarts.

Lily sat down on the couch biting her nails and looking around with fear. "I'm going to actually kill them this time if they are pulling another one of their bingers."

"I'll help," Remus mumbled sitting down next to her and picking at a loose string on the couch.

More quickly than he had expected Dumbledore's patronus showed up in the room. "They never reported back to me. I have just sent a team to find them. They had been in the woods of Devonshire staking out a Death Eater hiding spot. Please join the search team if you wish. I am heading there shortly."

"Oh shit," Remus muttered grabbing his wand.

"That arse. I knew hd would go and get himself killed one day. I knew it. I just did. I told him all the time, that he and Sirius would go running ass backward into a trap one day and if the Death Eaters didn't kill him I would," Lily said in a rush and stood up.

"I staked that place out last week. Grab my hand, I know where to go," Remus whispered, his heart in his throat. Lily nodded and grabbed his arm. They arrived at the edge of the woods to a deserted scene. Remus took a step forward as fog rolled out from the trees. "Sirius? James?" he whispered, doubting he would get any response.

Silence echoed and Lily walked through the trees, "Come on Remus. Let's go find our idiots before it's too late for me to dish out justice on their dumb arses."

Remus paused for a moment, wondering what they were charging into before following an angry Lily into the dreary woods.

* * *

Several hours later they still hadn't found the missing Marauders. Remus could hear Lily hyperventilating but could not find words to comfort her. They were gone, without a trace, and there seemed to be no signs of a struggle. He was about to suggest going back to find Dumbledore when Lily gasped and charged forward into a dark circle of trees.

Remus dashed after her, heartbreaking and fear bubbling as Lily began to scream desperately for James. They would certainly be heard now if any Death Eaters were still about, and Lily didn't seem to be in a position to notice or care. It would be left up to him to protect them both, unless he didn't even bother, unless he just wanted to be taken captive or killed right along with Sirius and James.

As they broke into a clearing Remus gasped as someone tackled Lily roughly to the floor. "What the fuck!" she yelled, in very un-Lily like fashion but Remus had started laughing. A dirt and leaf covered James laid across her looking winded and scared. Sirius came out from behind a tree at a run and it took all of Remus self-control not to tackle him. He was covered in dirt as well, with a deep gash across his face.

"Lily what are you doing here?" James wheezed while sitting up and Lily tackled him with a firm kiss.

"Looking for you, you pompous arse," she whispered breathlessly and he blinked at her in confusion. "You were supposed to be home hours ago. Dumbledore's sent a search team, but I haven't seen them. Remus and I came looking for you both."

James winced, "We were attacked. They got our wands and we barely got away with our skins. We've been walking for hours, trying to find our way out of here to a town."

Remus looked away from the couple to Sirius who was staring at him intently. Without realizing it the werewolf took a quick step forward and embraced Sirius tightly. The animagus hugged him back and clung to him like a lifeline. Remus ran his hand through his hair and whispered, "It's, ok Sirius. Lily and I have wands, we're getting out of here now." Sirius gulped down air and nodded against his shoulder.

Fear was something Sirius loathed to admit to having. So Remus knew he must've been convinced he was about to die for him to be behaving in such a manner. Sirius was notorious for brushing off anxiety and running head long into danger. But it seemed he had a harder time concealing his feelings when the dangerous situation became more drawn out, more hopeless, and provided time to think. Remus wanted to fix it for him, but for now he just needed to get them out of there.

Lily was smiling at them as he turned away from Sirius. James was blinking dumbly but smirking as he held Lily's hand. "Right, well, let's get out of here before the Death Eaters find us, thanks to Lily's screaming proclamations of love."

Lily punched her boyfriend's arm and lifted her wand to apparate just as a spell shot over their heads. "Shit," Remus muttered as Sirius dove for the ground bringing him with him.

James tried to jump up but Lily screamed, "You don't have a wand you dolt! Everyone come here and I'll apparate us out."

Remus moved forward, clinging to Sirius hand, as at least ten Death Eaters emerged from the woods on the other side of them. "They'll have thrown up anti-apparation wards. Send a patronus to Dumbledore with our location, now." He stood up, taking a deep breath as he threw up a shield.

"This is just perfect. I've got no wand, Sirius has no wand, and Lily and Remus are defending us. I feel like a maiden," James muttered darkly peering through the shield toward the running Death Eaters.

"Now is not the time to worry about your manlihood, Prongs," Remus muttered.

"It is _always_ the time Dear Mr. Moony. Always."

Sirius was still clutching Remus hand, making it increasingly difficult to protect them from their attackers. Remus raised his eyebrow at the other boy who promptly let go and moved to sit with James. "A pair of helpless maidens. I think I'm going to be sick," Sirius proclaimed darkly.

"I do not have time to deal with either of your shattered egos!" Lily yelled returning fire and hitting a Death Eater in the chest.

"Nice one, Lily Bean," James said.

The Death Eaters were on top of them now and Remus estimated they would only last a few minutes before their shield was shattered and they were left defenseless. He shot a spell and smirked in satisfaction as a Death Eater collapsed.

The fighting went on for several more minutes before they heard a rustling of leaves behind them. Sirius let out a laugh as six members of the Order of the Phoenix appeared from the woods and immediately began firing upon the Death Eaters.

"Oh thank, Merlin. We're saved," James proclaimed excitedly before diving to the ground as a spell shot at him and shattered the shield.

"Hardly, we need to get out of here and fast," Remus muttered as a massive duel broke out in the darkening field. A Death Eater charged him, and he would've found it easier to defeat the Dark Wizard if he didn't have to keep a constant eye on Sirius. Blocking spells from hitting the both of them was incredibly taxing and he was sure he would miss one soon. Just as he thought that a jinx slammed into his stomach, sending him flying, and causing his vision to fade.

"Moony!" Sirius yelled.

"Stay put, Padfoot, I'm fine," Remus replied sitting up and throwing a shield in front of Sirius. He stood up quickly, ignoring the shooting pain in his chest, and ran to Sirius and James. Lily quickly followed his lead and joined the group of friends by the trees. "I think we need to leave, the Order seems to have this under control and we're more of a burden then a help at this point."

"Remus, you look pale, give me your wand. We'll run, but just give me your wand," Sirius whispered.

"Shut up, Padfoot. I'm fine. Let's go."

The foursome took off into the woods behind them and ran at full speed. The sounds of the battle were dying out behind them as they broke into another clearing. Before them stood one dark clad Death Eater. They all froze as Remus and Lily slowly raised their wands. But the Death Eater just stared at them, before rolling two wands in their direction. Lily ran forward and picked them up, throwing them to Sirius and James. James blinked at the other wizard, "Who are you?" he asked.

The other wizard turned away and ran through the woods without a word. "Well that was a pleasant surprise. I guess Dumbledore has spies among the Death Eaters," Lily whispered.

Sirius looked confused and then smiled, "Well chaps, I say we re-join our compatriots now. Can't leave them to clean up the mess we made, now that we're all armed and dangerous again."

Lily shook her head, "You and James are exhausted. Remus looks like he can barely stand, and I just want to get out of here before the day gets any worse."

"Lily we can't just leave them there!" James yelled.

"We actually can. We just did. They've probably left by now too. They were all doing well in their duels and if we return we're just going to make it more dangerous for them," Lily hissed.

"I never took you for a coward, Evans," Sirius said and then took off back into the woods.

"Bollocks," Remus whispered and then ran after him. He could hear the yells of Lily and the stampeding feet of James as they approached the clearing again. Sirius had skidded to a halt and Remus, with his vision blurring, slammed into his back, falling onto the floor in a heap. "What the hell, Sirius!"

Sirius didn't even turn to look at him and actually took a step back, leaning down to pick up Remus without taking his eyes off the field before him. "Let's go, now," he whispered and Remus finally took in what had stopped Sirius in his tracks.

The Order members were all still alive, if a little beat up. But they were all beginning to retreat as a tall figure glided across the field towards them. Lord Voldemort had appeared and nobody seemed prepared to confront the Dark Lord.

"Holy shit, holy shit," Remus mumbled and tried to stand. But it seemed his left leg wouldn't support him anymore and he looked down to see it was quite clearly broken. "Sirius, you're going to need to carry me, or leave me, or conjure a stretcher. My leg is broken and we need to leave now. Right now."

Sirius blinked at him stupidly before lopping at arm under his arm and dragging him backwards towards the woods. He refused to take his eyes off Voldemort, who continued to glide forward, so they walked backwards, right into James and Lily.

"Oh my god," Lily whispered and threw up a shield.

James, suddenly took charge of the situation. "Alright chaps, we need to get out of here quickly. Sirius I'll help you carry Remus so we can move faster. Lily you cover our backs. Let's run," he said grabbing Remus under his other arm and turning away from the field.

"James, James, we'll never be able to outrun him. We need to hold our ground," Lily whispered.

James blinked several times before nodded and Remus felt Sirius nod his head in agreement before gently lowering him to the ground. Sirius looked Remus in the eye firmly for a few seconds, running his hand through his hair and leaning their foreheads together. Remus could see him coming to terms with his death and the thought terrified him, "No Sirius, no. We're going to make it through this. We have too," Remus whispered running his thumb along the other boy's cheek.

"I love you," Sirius whispered.

"I'm _not_ doing this Sirius. I'm not saying goodbyes," Remus hissed and took out his wand.

"What's your plan then? Going to fight from the ground?" Sirius replied, turning to look at Voldemort who was smiling darkly at them.

"Ferula," Remus whispered pointing at his leg, and he felt it snap painfully into place. "Splinted the fracture. I can stand now at least. Four against one, aren't bad odds. Even if it's the Darkest Wizard of our time."

"Since when are you the optimist?" Sirius asked raising an eyebrow.

"Since I refuse to adhere to your propensity for over-dramatics and just _give up_."

Sirius smiled for the first time in too long and Remus felt his heart swell. They could do this, they needed to do this. He glanced over at Lily and James who seemed to be having their own similar conversation and cleared his throat. "Together?" he whispered.

"Together," the other three responded in sync and turned as a unit to face Voldemort.

"So I have your attention now? I prefer to kill my victims when they are aware it is coming. So now, you die," Voldemort said quietly and raised his wand. With a flick of his wrist their shield fell and spells began to fly from both sides with such force, Remus wasn't even sure who was firing them.

Sheild. Hex. Shield. Hex. Shield. Hex, He threw up, trying to keep his movements to a minimum, thanks to his splinted leg. He hazard a look at Sirius who was laughing manically as bursts of pure power shot out of his wand in a torrent of color. Battle crazed Sirius was a terrifying, yet electrifying sight. He seemed to control the force of magic by sheer will, having little need for a wand. When Remus watched him fight, he often wondered if there wasn't something to the Pureblood belief of them possessing stronger magic. At the very least, Sirius was far more in touch with the raw magic of old then most anyone he had ever meet.

His thoughts were interrupted as a jet of magic shot towards him and Sirius forced up a shield charm that immediately shattered. "Eyes on the prize, Moony!" he yelled and returned to his torrent display of magic.

Remus nodded and fully re-engaged in the battle at hand. Voldemort was obviously winning, but he was impressed at how well they were fairing. When they died at least they would be able to say they had put up a fight. The Death Eaters seemed to have fled in search of the other Order members and it appeared no one was coming to help them this time.

Remus watched as a jet of light missed Lily by inches and James let out a howl of rage charging towards the Dark Lord. Sirius looked between Remus and James seemingly torn between who needed his help more. He blasted a jet of energy out of his hand at the Dark Lord who swatted it away like a fly. James ran full force into a shield around Voldemort as the other wizard let out a deep laugh. "Trying to kill me James? Mad that I'm going to murder your mudblood girlfriend." Remus froze and Sirius took a protective step towards Lily. James looked shocked and Voldemort laughed again. "Yes, I know all about you and your friends. James Potter, heir to the Potter fortune and family. Known for your fearless attitude and _unfortunate_ associations. Sirius Black, disgraced and disowned heir to the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black. But you can't stop their aggression and magic from running through your veins boy, do _not_ ignore the incredible power you so clearly possess. Lily Evans, widely considered one of the smartest witches of your age, unfortunately your blood isn't worthy but I could spare you if you swear allegiance to me… And Remus Lupin top of your class, half-blood, _werewolf_. I would love for you to join me as well. Your magic is far more powerful than anyone has ever allowed you become aware. Join me I will teach you how harness the power of the wolf even when the moon is not full."

Remus was hyperventilating, assessing the situation, he realized Voldemort had only let the three of them live this long to offer them a choice. Once they denied him his offer he would make quick work of them. He glanced at his friends who all seemed to be having the same thoughts and stared a Sirius for a moment. Just as everything was going so well for them it would end. At least, he thought, they would die together, he would hate to be the one left behind.

Remus watched as Sirius took a deep breath and raised his eyes to look at Voldemort, "I would rather die, than join you and your filthy Death Eaters."

Remus blinked in awe of how strong Sirius sounded, so scared only minutes before, he seemed completely confident and without fearing staring down death. He just wanted to hug tightly, promise him everything would be okay, that he didn't have to be so strong, that they would find a way out of this. But he couldn't, and suddenly he wished he had allowed Sirius to say his goodbyes. Suddenly he wished he had at least told Sirius he loved him too.

"So be it," Voldemort whispered and raised his wand to Sirius who stared at him defiantly. Remus felt himself, totally without thought, moving towards Sirius. He saw the jet of light shot out of Voldemort's wand, red and angry in the twilight, and he dove for his friend, knocking him to the ground and taking the spell in the shoulder instead.

Remus' vision went entirely black and he felt himself screaming helplessly as Voldemort laughed. Rough, gentle hands were turning him over and whispering a mantra of, "Oh my god, Remus. Stay with me, Remus." He tried to respond but felt as though his tongue was made of lead and just moaned instead.

Distantly he heard the pop of an apparition and the beginning of a new battle as an unknown force joined them in the field. He heard Lily slide next to him whispering curses under her breathe and assuring Sirius he would be okay. But Remus didn't feel like he was going to be okay, his shoulder had gone numb and he had stopped screaming but that was only because he lacked the energy. Someone was pulling Sirius away from him, probably James and he felt himself being lightly laid onto a stretcher. His breath was ragged and he couldn't understand how this could hurt so much more than a transformation. It felt as though his skin was on fire, not just his shoulder, that he was melting slowly and painfully. He wanted to call out for someone to just kill him, to make it stop one way or another. Distantly he heard sobs nearby and a whispered voice talking to him. A shadow passed over his face as the darkness finally took him and he fell into nothingness.

* * *

He was laying on soft blankets, the smell of hospital slammed into his nostrils as he returned to consciousness. He let out a deep moan and felt a hand wipe away sweat from his forehead. "Remus," Sirius whispered and he blinked sleep out of his eyes to take in the animagus' stressed face.

"M'okay Pads," Remus whispered.

"We have to stop with these Hospital Wing visits. I can't bear it anymore," Sirius muttered rubbing his arm and smiling nervously.

"Mmm. Well I'm feeling a bit better. I should be able to stay awake for the next few minutes. Want to tell me what happened after I became _indisposed_ ," Remus said raising a hand to hold Sirius'.

The other boy blinked at him and let out a sigh. He shifted his eyes downwards to their grasping hands and smiled slightly to himself, "Well after you jumped in front of that spell, which you did not need to do, please don't do it again… after you jumped in front of that spell Dumbledore showed up. Voldemort became thoroughly distracted and so did I. You were… moaning and screaming and you weren't answering me. I thought… I thought you were dying and I just kept staring at you. Lily came over, dear that she is, and became the voice of reason. She searched your body and found where the spell had hit. Your shoulder was on fire, skin peeling off and spreading down your arm. Lily didn't know what it was or how to stop it. I… I became a bit hysterical to be honest and repeatedly tried to the most useless spells to make it _stop_. But it didn't and I was distracting Lily so James pulled me away. You were convulsing and I really thought you were going to die. Voldemort he ran away, coward that he is, and Dumbledore came over to us. He took one look at you and said we had to get you to Madame Pomfrey immediately. He said it was some really ancient Cutem Ignis spell that was slowly going to burn through your entire body from the inside out. I threw up just then, all over Prongs' shoes. He wasn't thrilled with me… but Dumbledore didn't know the counter-curse or how long you had before it was too late to save you.

We took you to Hogwarts immediately. Well Lily took you, I was still a mess, so James basically had to drag me there. Madame Pomfrey, she got right to work and stopped the spell before it did any permanent damage to your insides. She cleaned you up quick, yelled at us for being careless and told me to let you sleep… It's been about 20 hours and… I'm just sorry," Sirius trailed off.

"You don't need to be sorry Padfoot. I'd do it again, no permanent damage done," Remus whispered putting his hand under Sirius chin and lifting his face up. He could see tears welling up again and winced. Sirius did not cry, and he couldn't be the cause of his finally breaking down.

Sirius sniffed and looked at Remus cautiously, "She said… she said if the spell at hit you or I in the chest, like Voldemort had intended, we would've been dead in minutes. You saved me Remus, I love you and hate you for it."

"No need to hate me, we're both alive."

"I almost died of fear. I don't think… I don't think I could live without you," Sirius whispered.

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm sorry, Sirius, but it's a War. Some of us might die and you just can't give up living if I do," Remus whispered. "I'd want to die without you Padfoot, but I wouldn't, because… because I don't think you'd want me too?" Sirius winced and shook his head. "See? And I wouldn't want you to die either. You'd need to keep living for the both of us. I'd expect you to mourn me, great ponce that you are, but don't just give up. And _don't_ go looking to avenge me by running into a Death Eater den."

Sirius rubbed Remus knuckles and nodded, "Right… I won't…. but maybe we should just run away to Australia? Fuck the War, it doesn't need to be our problem."

Remus sat up more and looked at Sirius carefully, "You don't mean that Padfoot. You're just scared and I get that. But we can't just give up, we can't just leave our friends."

"All I really need is you," Sirius whispered.

"Yes, well, as much as I love you, I think I'd want to kill you if I didn't have Prongs around to distract you," Remus replied with a smirk and Sirius smiled.

"Right well, was just a dream. Obviously they can't win this war without us. Maybe once it's over we can retire with my great big fortune to Tahiti and live out the rest of our days in peace," Sirius said with a bit more humor in his voice.

"That sounds lovely," Remus answered and leaned forward to kiss the animagus.

* * *

 **A/N:** The First War is what really interests me about the Marauders and the whole Remus/Sirius relationship, here's my first attempt into it. Let me know what you think! Comments, kudos and likes are greatly appreciated!


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